Anxiety or Curiosity?

A continuous journey of feeling into what feels authentic and true to my path.

(image is edited and, ahem, posed)

I get so caught up in the question of “How?”

How can I manifest my dreams?

How do I not feel so anxious about the future?

How can I make sure my life is secure and stable?

How do I live an authentic life?

How can I ensure my life is bringing support and joy rather than harm?

I’ve realised asking the ‘how’ questions aren’t what’s actually useful for my life. It may be for some, especially perhaps to people who have a clear picture of their life vision. It may be what happens organically once I clarify on these aspects of my life. Once I feel a sense of what direction I wish my life to head towards.

Truth is, I loose sight of what it is I resonate with; my “why life is worth living” (not in a morbid, gloomy way- but more in that deep existential question of ‘what’s the purpose of my existence?’; why do I choose the actions and choices that I do; why I behave the way I do. Without this why, the ‘how’ questions becomes null.

All it does is leave me feeling more anxious, confused and overwhelmed. It traps me in my mind, rather than allowing me to feel into my body, heart and mind as sources of energy, strength and support. It’s a stressful existence living in the ‘how?’

Recently, I’ve been exploring living in the ‘what?’ and the ’why?’.

What do I resonate with?

What actions and decisions offer joy (to others as well as myself)?

Why have I chosen the paths I’ve chosen till this point?

Why do I feel a certain way in different situations?

What is actually helpful?

What brings me closer to myself, to others and the more-than human world?

This leaves me feeling curious rather than anxious; it inspires me to actually go out and engage with my life and with the wider world, rather than paralysing me in fear and overwhelm.

For a very long time (all my adult years at least), I would be moving through the world seeking for answers. Answers to ‘what’ exactly, I didn’t have clarity on, and in many ways I still don’t. Recently, I’ve realised this seeking energy is very much linked to either my anxiety or my curiosity. I didn’t know a few years ago, when I began diving into this journey of self-inquiry, that there was a difference between the two. All I knew was that I felt this very innate and present energy in my life that drew me onwards and that was what fuelled a lot of my actions.

Past forward a few years, you have a 25 year old Jackie, still not knowing what she’s doing and or ‘how’ to live life in the most meaningful, sustainable and mindful way. And yet, lessons and growth still presented itself, even in the times I didn’t know ‘how’ to live a life that felt true for me.

What does this mean??

That I can live life not knowing everything, or much of anything, and come out okay? That life doesn’t end when I don’t know how to be a millionaire? Or life can still be fun/joyful/meaningful when I don’t have thousands of followers liking the content I share online? Or that I can feel insecure, unworthy, and unlovable at times and somehow be in a relationship that teaches me that I am loveable, beautiful and worthy? This life can actually exists????

Well 9 year-old Jackie being transplanted to a foreign country you know very little about; or 17 year-old Jackie feeling the pressures of applying for Universities and yet choosing to do a gap year in the UK instead; or 24-year old Jackie experiencing the global instability and a long-distance relationship during a pandemic- it is possible.

It is possible to live life not know how to live life. As it happens, humans do it all the time.

Or perhaps, we do know how to live (and how to thrive), but all the stories and narratives we tell ourselves along the way, and all the projections we throw at people when we’re feeling scared, is what actually gets in the way…?