And the healing continues…

A quickie today.

It’s been quite a wild few months and I’ve found myself not having the inspiration, space or energy to write on the blog. I write, but not been sure what to share and what to leave offline. This post is intimate and personal in its own way, but I’m practicing continuing being as honest and vulnerable as I can be (while respectful of others) as I find there’s deep healing in this practice.

(An image from a different hike; I didn’t take my phone with me this morning. Felt the need for deep solitude without use of screens).

I went for a walk this morning, just down the long driveway and the rural bush road. While out I realised as much as I love being in a relationship, and enjoy being loved and loving in that way, how much I enjoy who I am when engaging with someone in a deeply romantic and intimate way — I don’t need to be in a relationship.

The last 12 hours has been emotionally sensitive. Not sure if it’s the lunar eclipse full moon, my recent circumstances with a recent break up, or something else, but I felt myself drift back to unhealthy behaviours. Going on that walk this morning really helped uplift my spirits. Not just because nature is great medicine and a great reminder/teacher, but because I allowed myself to release some emotional tension I’d been holding.

The start of the walk began with warm autumn sunshine, with layers of clothes being stripped to allow my bare arms and bare feet to feel the sunshine, practicing some EFT, grounding, stretching — and ended with walking home in rain/hail (I was surprised by how at peace I was with this. I didn’t rush home or feel frustrated. I even felt some joy!).

Somewhere in between I released some grief, felt myself reconnect to a sense of balance and regulation, and spent some time walking bare feet (the simple moment of rejoicing in this! I missed Canadian spring and summer when I returned back to Australia, so practicing not taking these little moments for granted).

I also felt a shift, albeit small and tentative, in how I’ve been viewing romantic partnerships and the loss of a recent long-term partner; I felt myself relax in being okay with not engaging with someone in that way. At least for now. Feeling this sense of returning to myself, I guess… of returning to a sense of grounding in my own energies, choice, path and processes. Feeling that sense of calm (amongst the emotional turmoil that can sometimes come with loss and break ups) in journeying life for a little while on my own.

Doesn’t mean I’ve moved on necessarily, oh no no. It also doesn’t mean this feeling won’t change and I won’t be desiring a partnership, or a previous partner, in the next coming months. It just means that in that moment the sting of the loss didn’t feel as deep. And when it does feel deep, when that pain is so raw, I hope to meet it with as much grace and courage as I can.

So. Future husband;

Know that when we enter that chapter of our lives — of marriage and sacred union — I’ve walked a long, and sometimes challenging, path of inner death and rebirth. I’m sure you would have too. May we find the grace, courage, strength and faith that as we both continue on our paths, individually and together. May we learn, as Kahlil Gibran said, to share but not drink from the same cup. And may our union be of an emergence of our individual paths to co-create something entirely magical in its own way. May we continue cycling through deaths and rebirths, till our human bodies reaches it’s own final destination.

For now however, I will walk this path, not alone, but on my own. Until we cross paths. Until we meet.