And the healing continues…

A quickie today.

It’s been quite a wild few months and I’ve found myself not having the inspiration, space or energy to write on the blog. I write, but not been sure what to share and what to leave offline. This post is intimate and personal in its own way, but I’m practicing continuing being as honest and vulnerable as I can be (while respectful of others) as I find there’s deep healing in this practice.

(An image from a different hike; I didn’t take my phone with me this morning. Felt the need for deep solitude without use of screens).

I went for a walk this morning, just down the long driveway and the rural bush road. While out I realised as much as I love being in a relationship, and enjoy being loved and loving in that way, how much I enjoy who I am when engaging with someone in a deeply romantic and intimate way — I don’t need to be in a relationship.

The last 12 hours has been emotionally sensitive. Not sure if it’s the lunar eclipse full moon, my recent circumstances with a recent break up, or something else, but I felt myself drift back to unhealthy behaviours. Going on that walk this morning really helped uplift my spirits. Not just because nature is great medicine and a great reminder/teacher, but because I allowed myself to release some emotional tension I’d been holding.

The start of the walk began with warm autumn sunshine, with layers of clothes being stripped to allow my bare arms and bare feet to feel the sunshine, practicing some EFT, grounding, stretching — and ended with walking home in rain/hail (I was surprised by how at peace I was with this. I didn’t rush home or feel frustrated. I even felt some joy!).

Somewhere in between I released some grief, felt myself reconnect to a sense of balance and regulation, and spent some time walking bare feet (the simple moment of rejoicing in this! I missed Canadian spring and summer when I returned back to Australia, so practicing not taking these little moments for granted).

I also felt a shift, albeit small and tentative, in how I’ve been viewing romantic partnerships and the loss of a recent long-term partner; I felt myself relax in being okay with not engaging with someone in that way. At least for now. Feeling this sense of returning to myself, I guess… of returning to a sense of grounding in my own energies, choice, path and processes. Feeling that sense of calm (amongst the emotional turmoil that can sometimes come with loss and break ups) in journeying life for a little while on my own.

Doesn’t mean I’ve moved on necessarily, oh no no. It also doesn’t mean this feeling won’t change and I won’t be desiring a partnership, or a previous partner, in the next coming months. It just means that in that moment the sting of the loss didn’t feel as deep. And when it does feel deep, when that pain is so raw, I hope to meet it with as much grace and courage as I can.

So. Future husband;

Know that when we enter that chapter of our lives — of marriage and sacred union — I’ve walked a long, and sometimes challenging, path of inner death and rebirth. I’m sure you would have too. May we find the grace, courage, strength and faith that as we both continue on our paths, individually and together. May we learn, as Kahlil Gibran said, to share but not drink from the same cup. And may our union be of an emergence of our individual paths to co-create something entirely magical in its own way. May we continue cycling through deaths and rebirths, till our human bodies reaches it’s own final destination.

For now however, I will walk this path, not alone, but on my own. Until we cross paths. Until we meet.

A New Line Of Inquiry with Digital Technology

In this blog post I explore the possibility of starting a YouTube channel again, and share a little bit about my experience with a plant medicine ceremony.

“Not so long ago, women were deeply involved in the rhythms of life and death. They inhaled the pungent odour of iron from the fresh blood of childbirth. They washed the cooling bodies of the dead as well.

The psyches of modern women, especially those from industrial and technological cultures, are often deprived of these close-up and hands-on blessed and basic experiences.

But there is a way for the novice to fully participate in the sensitive aspects of the life and death cycles…”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves (pp 98-99)

I was reading some of Women Who Run With the Wolves this morning and the second paragraph caught me; “especially those from industrial and technological cultures.” Mostly because I was feeling into the possibility of starting a YouTube channel (for the 2nd time as I had one back in 2016-2017) just last night and it feels, at this stage of my life, a step I wish to explore more and more. Partly because I still have a lot of questions and concerns regarding digital technology and social media and their impact in society.

Why This Idea?

I felt having a YouTube channel may actually help me direct my inquiries. It’ll give me a path to play with, and help to maintain some framework to ground into. I already started recording voiceovers for the channel’s ‘trailer’ video (basically a video that gives an overview of what the YouTube channel is or will be about). I thought it may be a great starting point. Reading the excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves, however, I had a moment of doubting this decision… ’Is this the right path to take?’, I asked myself. Will this take me close or further away from living a life I love and am grateful for?

The thing is: I don’t really know the answer to this. Not yet anyway. My history in regards to using digitech and living in a highly digitalised world has been… confusing at best, and a down right spiral into an abyss of suffering at the worst. I can intellectualise myself to an answer by weighing out the pros and cons of such a decision; I can do lots of research; listen to many different types of podcasts; watch videos on YouTube about other peoples experiences; find documentaries that go down a similar line of inquiry.

At at the end of the day, the answers for my own personal questions stay hidden with this type of approach — and this come from years worth of asking and researching. Of experimenting. Of taking time off social media platforms. Of many, many discussions with people I meet along the way.

What I’m realising is it’s not as black and white or as ‘clear cut’ as I wish it, or even believe it, to be; it’s a nuanced and diverse situation. It almost has a life of its own.

By “it” I mean my path of self-inquiry in regards to my relationship with digital technology, social media and the internet.

For example, while there is a part of me that just wants to live in a non-digital tech community (or at least a reduced amount of dependence and use), and to be more involved in ‘earth-based’ living, daily activities and approach to life (such as growing food or expressing gratitude through songs, prayer and dance), I can also feel that pull to be part of the changing times and explore something like film-making; of creating documentaries and story-driven videos.

(You can probably start seeing this inner conflict being reflected on this blog with the type of posts I share: some are about aspects like Herbalism and growing food, and others are about modern aspects like travelling and living a life with devices like laptops and smartphones).

A New Approach?

Does it have to be “either/or”? Does doing one cancel the other out?

Could I, as Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes in Women Who Run With the Wolves, cleanse my thinking and renew my values on a regular basis, and be “deeply involved” and “to fully participate in the sensitive aspects of the life and death cycles”[1], while also participating on social media platforms, owning a smartphone and being connected to the internet?

This is a new line of inquiry I’m currently exploring.

Part of this is a re-connection to — whichever you wish to call it: source/spirit/god/gods/universe/collective energy/intuition/inner guidance — from a recent experience with a powerful plant medicine. I realised I either wasn’t as connected as I perceived myself to be, or the ceremony renewed my relationship to a wider perspective of life. To the point where, even though it can be challenged and I veer ‘off path’ regularly, I can feel the thread to my intuition (spirit/god/universe etc) is very much present and alive. All it seems to take right now is a sense of awareness of it for the relaxedness and spark of joy to begin seeping back into my life — and this comes from a person who has a very active mind and can easily anxious about logistics and changes in my plans.

Since the ceremony I feel this sense of… looseness and relaxedness with how my life may shape up. It’s not always present, and old and unhealthy patterns still show up in my life, but the experience feels richer and less linear and defined as my mind thinks it is.

A Kind of Conclusion

A way to see it is this:

It kind of feels like stepping into a movie theatre after a film’s already begun, and it being a 3D film all you initially see on the screen is this distorted, almost headache inducing image. But once you put on the 3D glasses provided by the cashier, and start watching the film, the situation shifts into this nuanced, textured and richer experience. It feels more enjoyable, even if there are scenes of tension, conflict and discomfort.

Having this new, or perhaps ‘re-newed’, perspective of my life, feels kind of like realising that although there’s nothing inherently wrong with 2D films, 3D films are an experience of their own; that although living in a heavily intellectualised and logicalised world that promises happiness through being result-driven is one way to live and is an experience in itself, that life is much more than what we see with the naked eye and what we were told as children.

That perhaps we can arrive at answers and ‘results’ with other approaches, such as through plant medicine ceremonies or body movement or music.

I hope to approach this new chapter of my life, and this new line of inquiry, with a much more encompassing perspective.

—

P.S.

I started this writing with a sense of confusion and trigger, and ended with a metaphor (that although I resonate with, only encompasses a small aspect of my experience at the medicine ceremony). And somehow I began discussing digital technology and ended with talking about plant medicines… Brains are funny (and incredible) things :P

Update

I created the YouTube channel after all... I'll see how it goes. So many questions and insights already, and all I have on the channel so far is the channel trailer :P

Search on YouTube: @sproutingroots-digitaltech

Here is the channel trailer:

---

References:

[1] Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype is a book written by Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1992).

I personally can't even describe this book. It may be one you've heard of before. I definitely knew of it a long time before I started reading it for the first time in 2017. Back then reading it felt very intellectual; a lot of the words didn't make it past my brain and I quickly put it down.

I went on a hike with a friend recently, and he had a copy (that looked like it's been places), sitting on his dashboard. I asked if I could borrow it. I still have it :P

I don't know if it's the recent plant medicine ceremony or something else, but reading this book this time around feels completely different. Or maybe it's because years have passed and I'm a few years older (If not somewhat wiser. Perhaps?).

———

Hahah! I just opened up a page (p228):

"here is what i have...

poems

big thighs

lil tits

&

so much love"

(From for colored girls who have considered suicide when/ the rainbow is enuf

by Ntzake Shange)

Need I say more???

A Practice Of Clarity and Trust: A Simple Approach to Manifestation

I share below my experience so far with manifesting a life I love and enjoy, as well as a simple practice I was introduced to and would love to explore.

I remember being so drawn to the Law of Attraction back in 2017 and trying my best to “manifest” the life of my dreams. Doing the vision boards, saying the affirmations, doing visualisation practices.

Six years later, I wonder if any of those dreams have been actualised.

I reflect on what I wanted back then, 21 years of age, feeling as old as time but also like a baby who hasn’t yet learnt to walk. It was a confusing and paradoxical time of my life. Still is. And perhaps this will continue for the rest of my life.

Truth is, I struggle with actualising dreams, goals, visions and ideas. I have many ideas. Many. And I seem to go through a grieving process when I arrive at a place where I realise the most recent idea has not manifested, or doesn't seem to be. I’ve almost created a PTSD experience for myself, as these days I have a lot of doubts on whether or not I’ll ever be able to live a life that feels authentic for me.

Not to say that any of my experiences have not born fruit, or that it’s all been a waste. Not at all; my whole life up until this point has been a gift (even if at times I question this). Just that it can feel disheartening when something I feel excited and inspired about doesn’t gain enough traction for me to experience it in my physical world - a lot of my dreams are experienced internally and is usually invisible to those around me.

Something has landed on my plate though, something I’m very keen to explore. A new approach to creating a life we feel inspired about; a life that is rich with vitality, even through the challenges. Perhaps even because of the challenges.

I had a session with one of my mentors recently, and she mentioned a practice she engages with when it comes to attracting opportunities for her to manifest a life that brings her joy. I’m excited to explore it for myself, and I’ll tell you why in a moment.

A Manifestation Practice

(Please note: this is my take on the practice. The way you integrate this into your life could look very different, even in different parts of your journey).

My mentor mentions you first need to clarify and decide what it is you want. Get clear on what is it you’re wanting to create and experience.

Yes, vision boards can help with this.

Or a simple solo walk or self-reflection through journaling or meditating.

The next part of the process is to see yourself in in the place of having already attained what it is you’re calling in. Feel the joy, gratitude, relief, hope, peace of that moment.

You may wish to do this in meditation, or just simply closing your eyes and visualising the moment. Or perhaps in a calm place, like a bath or in the morning having just woken up.

Next, feel the trust that it’ll happen. That one way or another, in whatever form it needs to be to serve your path, this vision will happen.

You may wish to explore what this means for you; what the sensation of trust feels like in your body; what state your mind is in this place of having faith. Lean into this.

The next part is probably the hardest for many people (it definitely is for me): release the dream.

Note, I didn’t say release the ‘hope’ - I said release the ‘dream’.

Learning to release our dreams creates space for that dream to sprout, take root and to grow. It gives it air to breathe and come to life. It may seem counterintuitive, but it becomes part of the practice, and sometimes a vital part as we can sometimes hold on (and risk it being crushed) due to fear and anxiety that if we let go, it’ll never happen.

The final part of the practice is to listen. Listen out for signs, messages, opportunities that can help you on the path of feeding this vision of yours.

Manifestation practice is a dance; we need to pay attention to what is happening so we can respond appropriately for what arises in any given moment. This allows us to move with more fluidity, while also keeping the form to help keep us anchored to our needs and feelings - which are great compasses for what steps to take next.

More on my experience with manifesting a life I love

For some reason, hearing about this process again has my mind whirling. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of it, and yet, something clicked for me this time.

To put it bluntly: my approach to creating a life I love and enjoy hasn’t been working. Maybe it’s to do with the rigidity I sometimes have with making sure ‘it all works out’, or the stress of being so lost in logistics draining the joy and inspiration from the experience. Whichever it is, I feel ready to try something different.

As I mentioned, releasing my hold on any ideas or dreams is a difficult practice for me. Mostly because I’ve deep anxiety present in my life (in the process of exploring the root cause of this) that can result in me wanting to hold on, or ‘have control’ of the situation, fearing that if I don’t do either of these the idea won’t happen.

What I’ve come to experience over and over again is how this suffocates the creation process. It’s basically like planting a seed into the ground, and in the (genuine and well-intentioned) hope that it will grow you give it water, fertiliser, heat and air all at once, thinking perhaps the more it has of what it needs, the more likely it’ll grow.

Well, I’ve come to realise that sometimes seeds need darkness, or they need an intense drop in temperature, or they need to only be watered every few days. Most of all, these seeds need my attention and observation more than it needs more water or other inputs. Because this will allow me to notice what it actually needs in any given moment.

This is what this practice is offering me: an opportunity to lean into awareness and observation. To tend with care and attention, while also practicing trusting that the seed in itself has the ability to grow and prosper. And if it doesn’t happen, that there’s a multitude of reasons why (and that I can learn to continue moving forward with my life). To learn from the experience may be more fruitful than trying to make it happen over and over again, and in the process may drain me of my resources and energy.

But then again, everyone’s process is different. I may read this post 5 years from now and have a completely different experience. Hence, the intention to explore the practice.

This post is an invitation for practice. You are more than welcome to decline and to continue exploring life in your own way and to take or leave what resonated with you in this post. Maybe you received an insight from disagreeing with a comment I made - listen to what feels true for you.

I wish you well on your journey. May you receive all the wisdom and support you need.